The Honeymooners
by Kittenmommy
Summary: The 4th Doctor and Sarah Jane go undercover as a married couple to investigate odd happenings at a Brighton resort.
1. With This Ring, I Thee Wed

  
  
"The Honeymooners"  
  
  
Chapter 1  
"With This Ring, I Thee Wed..."  
  
  
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: _Doctor Who_ belongs to the BBC. I'm not making any money from this.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This fic is totally separate from the other _DW_ fics I've written, and should not be considered a part of their storylines.   
  
  
Sarah Jane sat on the bed, fuming.  
It had all begun innocently enough, with the Brigadier summoning the Doctor into his office for another assignment.  
"There's something odd going on at a seaside resort in Brighton," the Brigadier had told the Time Lord.   
"Odd is my specialty!" the Doctor had replied, beaming.   
The Brigadier had advised subtlety, suggesting that they pose as tourists and travel to the resort in Bessie rather than in his TARDIS. As Sarah Jane had not been privy to their meeting, she wasn't sure which man had come up with the _brilliant plan_ for them to pretend to be a married couple.   
The Doctor had held up his newly minted driver's license issued to "Doctor John Smith", grinning a lunatic grin identical to the one in the photograph. "I'm John Smith, it says so right here! Why, you won't even have to change your name now that we're married!" the Doctor had told her brightly. She had given him a look and continued packing. "And lucky you, you're my _wife_!"  
"You wish!" she'd said under her breath, throwing a pair of sandals into the suitcase.   
The novelty of having a "wife" (even a pretend one) along with his madcap tendencies and odd sense of humor had proven to be a bad combination for the Doctor. As she'd known he would, he had thrown himself into the role of her husband with characteristic overzealous relish. Before they even left for Brighton, he had begun inventing cute little pet names for her, her least favorite being "Sugar Bumps".   
Upon their arrival at the resort, he had thrown his arm around Sarah Jane's shoulders, pulled her very close and asked if the Honeymoon Suite were available, and whether or not it had soundproof walls. "We wouldn't want to disturb your other guests," he'd told the red-faced clerk meaningfully.   
The whole thing was an enormous joke to him, one that he played very broadly, with absolutely none of the subtlety that the Brigadier had advised. And Sarah Jane's dismayed tolerance of his antics had only added fuel to his fire; he had seemed to take a gleeful pleasure in yanking her chain.  
The bellhop who had escorted them and their luggage to the Honeymoon Suite had not noticed when the Doctor had given Sarah Jane's rear a healthy squeeze in the elevator. He had also not noticed the Doctor's surprised yelp of pain when Sarah Jane had stomped on his foot. He was a bellhop after all, and tactfully "not noticing" certain behavior from the guests was the best way to insure getting a big tip.  
"Look, no one is going to believe that we're a real married couple if you continue carrying on like this!" she'd scolded the Doctor as soon as the bellhop had departed, anticipated big tip in hand.   
"Why not?" he'd asked, curiously.  
"If I had a husband who acted like you, he'd be my _ex_-husband in no time flat!"  
"Oh!" he'd replied, looking oddly deflated.  
It had been with relief that she had found the flyer advertising drinks and cigars for the gentlemen in the lounge before dinner.  
"But I don't smoke!" he'd protested.   
"You're not really married, either," she'd pointed out. He'd thought for a moment, and then grinned hugely.  
"If I play my role and go smoke with the men, does that mean I'll get to play the role of husband later?" It had taken her a couple of seconds to get it.  
"Only in your dreams! Now, go pretend to smoke!" she'd instructed, pushing him out the door and locking it behind him.  
"I'll see you at dinner, my little Snickerdoodle!" he'd called through the closed door. "And I'm sure you'll look ravishing as always!"  
"Go away!" she'd shouted.  
And now she sat on the bed, fuming.  
"He's impossible!" she said into the empty room. "Absolutely impossible. He treats everything like a huge joke!" _But isn't it a bit of a joke?_ a voice inside her head asked. _You're not_ really _a married couple, you know. What are you so angry about?_ "Oh be quiet," she whispered.  
  
  
Dinner was to be served promptly at six, and so Sarah Jane appeared in the lobby at five of, dressed in a lavender silk dress and carrying a matching handbag. The men had just finished their cocktail hour and were entering the lobby. She spotted the Doctor among them, carrying an unlit cigar in one hand and a half-full martini glass in the other.  
"Sarah Jane!" he exclaimed happily, coming over to greet her. "You look fantastic!"   
"Thank you, Doctor," she said. "Did you find out anything?"  
"Yes," he said, absently sticking the cigar in his pocket and offering her his arm. Together they walked to the dining room. "I found out that having cigars and cocktails with a bunch of boring old sods is a complete waste of time!"   
"That's not what I meant!"  
"Well, none of them are aliens… at least not that I could tell, anyway. But some aliens are very subtle, you know. Why, look at me – no one would ever guess I'm an alien!"   
"Oh no, no one would _ever_ guess you're from another planet!" she agreed sarcastically. "I just hope we can wrap this up quickly and get out of here!"  
"Look on the bright side," he told her with a grin. "The food is sure to be marvelous!" She laughed at this despite herself. "Table for two, if you please," the Doctor told the maitre d', who bowed slightly in acknowledgement and led them to a secluded table in the back.  
"A romantic table for the honeymooners!" he told them, gallantly pulling out Sarah Jane's chair for her. The Doctor looked chagrinned.  
"Well, that's what you get for asking for the Honeymoon Suite when we checked in!" Sarah Jane told him after the Maitre d' had departed.   
"Yes, stupid me. Now we're stuck back here, away from all the action!" He unfolded his napkin with an angry snap.   
"But it is _awfully_ romantic, isn't it, Dear?" she asked, grinning wickedly. He gave her a look, and she knew she'd gotten her revenge for his antics throughout the day. A waiter came to their table, carrying a bottle of champagne and two glasses.  
"We didn't order this!" the Doctor protested as the waiter began removing the foil from the bottle.  
"It's on the house, sir," the man replied, uncorking the champagne and pouring it out. "For the honeymooners."  
"How romantic!" Sarah Jane exclaimed, batting her eyelashes at the Doctor in an exaggerated fashion. "Don't you think it's romantic, _John_?"  
"Oh, very," the Doctor agreed dryly, taking his glass. The waiter departed.  
"Come on, let's have a toast," she cajoled, lifting her glass into the air. "To Doctor and Missus John Smith!" She clinked her glass against his and took a sip.  
"Don't provoke me," he said in an even tone. She laughed.  
"Shoe's on the other foot all of a sudden, isn't it?" He didn't reply. "All right," she agreed. "Time to get serious. What do we know?"  
"Very little. There have been sightings of mysterious lights in the sky at night, and several guests have reported being taken from their beds by small gray aliens. Of course the resort has done their best to keep it all hushed up – "  
"Well, alien kidnappings would surely be bad for business!"  
"Yes."  
"Any idea where these little gray things come from?" she asked.  
"No. They seem to be a uniquely human archetype for some reason." She hummed the five notes that had been made famous by a recent movie about extraterrestrial encounters. "Exactly," he agreed. The waiter arrived to take their order, cutting the conversation short. When he left, Sarah Jane stood.  
"I'm just off to powder my nose," she said, picking up her handbag. "Won't be a minute."   
"All right."  
She walked through the restaurant, stopping to ask a passing waitress where the ladies' room was located.   
"Back past the Manager's Office," the woman replied, pointing. Sarah Jane thanked her and made her way in the indicated direction. Passing the office in question, she overheard a man's voice.  
"A Time Lord? Here? Are you sure?"   
Sarah Jane automatically flattened herself against the wall, peering carefully around through the open door. A man sat at a desk, his chair swiveled so that he faced the back wall. He had a phone nestled in the crook of his neck.  
"Yes, of course I'll keep my eyes open!" the man snapped. "Can't you at least give me some kind of description? 'He looks just like a human being' doesn't exactly narrow it down!" There was a pause. "I wish that scanner of yours was more specific! All right, I'll keep it in mind!" Sarah Jane quickly withdrew just in time to hear the chair swivel around and the phone being slammed home in its cradle. She very hastily found the ladies' room and slipped inside.  
When Sarah Jane returned to their table, she quickly filled the Doctor in on the conversation she'd overheard.  
"This certainly puts a new spin on things," he mused thoughtfully. He glanced at her. "You're going to have to help me, Sarah Jane."  
"Of course," she agreed immediately. He shook his head.  
"I don't think you understand."  
"Oh?"  
"You said earlier that no one will believe we're a married couple if I keep carrying on like I have been. You're going to have to show me exactly how I _should_ carry on to make it believable."  
"What?" she asked  
"Until we know what's going on, we have to play this married couple charade very convincingly."  
"But why?"  
"Because Time Lords aren't human, Sarah Jane!" he snapped impatiently. "If I don't behave correctly with you, I will easily be picked out as one!"  
"I don't understand what pretending to be married has to do with – "   
"Time Lords don't marry," he said quietly. Her eyebrows went up.  
"Really? So where do baby Time Lords come from?"  
"Not now, Sarah Jane," he said with a sigh. The waiter was coming with their food. "Anyone could be a spy," he pointed out with a significant nod in the waiter's direction.   
"Right," she agreed, quickly taking his hand across the table. "No, just relax it like this," she said, letting her own hand go nearly limp. "It should be very casual…. Good!" The waiter arrived and set their dinners in front of them.  
"Do we have to hold hands all through dinner?" the Doctor asked when the waiter had left. "I'm not used to this. I think it will be rather difficult to eat." She laughed.  
"It's all right, Doctor," she said, releasing his hand. She picked up her fork and poked at her dinner. "Just so you know, this doesn't give you license to grope me in public like you did on the elevator… or anywhere else, for that matter!" she told him in a warning tone. He nodded soberly.   
"I almost forgot," he suddenly said, shifting in his chair to dig around in his pocket. "The people at UNIT gave me these as part of our role." He pulled out an envelope, tore it open and let two gold rings tumble out onto the table with a small clatter. She stared at them in shock. "In light of recent events, it seems wise to put them on." He picked up a ring and tried to jam it on his finger. "I think this is yours," he told her. She offered him her left hand, and he slid the ring on her third finger. With an amused smile, she did the same for him.  
"With this ring, I thee wed," she said ironically. "Just don't get any funny ideas, huh?"  
"Funny ideas? Most of my ideas are funny!"  
"I didn't mean 'funny' as in 'ha ha' or 'funny' as in bizarre, Doctor. I meant 'funny' as in _funny_!"  
"Ohhhhh!" he said, his huge blue eyes widening in comprehension. "_Those_ kind of funny ideas!"  
"That's right," she agreed. "_Those_ kind."  
"Don't worry, I haven't had any funny ideas like _those_ in a very long time." She opened her mouth to ask a question, and then closed it.   
"Glad to hear it," she finally said.   
"What about a stroll on the beach after dinner?" he asked suddenly.   
"What about it?" she asked.  
"Would that be in character for a married couple?"   
"I suppose that depends," she said with a laugh. "Are we _happily_ married?"  
"We're newlyweds, aren't we?" he asked, giving her his megawatt grin and holding up his left hand to show his gold ring.  
  
  
CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 2, "Just Don't Start Enjoying This Too Much!"  
  
  
  



	2. Just Don't Start Enjoying This Too Much!

  
  
  
"The Honeymooners"  
  
  
Chapter 2  
"Just Don't Start Enjoying This Too Much!"  
  
  
After supper, they'd gone back to their suite, where Sarah Jane had convinced him to leave his scarf and heavy coat behind.  
"You'll really stand out in that get-up," she'd told him. "No human alive would walk along the beach dressed like that!" He had deferred to her judgment in the matter, and settled for wearing his trousers and his white shirt, leaving it open at the neck. Sarah Jane, on the other hand, had gone all out, changing into a blue bikini, sandals, and a light wrap.   
"How do I look?" she'd asked upon emerging from the bathroom. He'd merely grunted noncommittally in reply. "Hmph! Some husband I've got!" she'd complained jokingly.  
Now they were walking arm-in-arm along the beach, watching the sun set over the ocean.  
"You know, this is awfully romantic," he said with wide-eyed sincerity, making her laugh. "Oh! Didn't that sound right?" he asked, sounding dismayed.  
"Yes, it was perfect, Doctor," she said, smiling up at him. "In fact, I'd almost believe you meant it!"  
"Sarah Jane," he said quietly, "Don't look. I believe we're being watched." She automatically turned to look. "I said don't look!" he hissed, stopping her with a hand on the arm. She fumbled for something in the beach tote slung over her shoulder.  
"I never go anywhere without my compact," she said quietly, pulling it out and snapping it open. Under the pretense of powdering her nose, she used the mirror to inspect the dunes behind her. "Ah ha!" she exclaimed happily. "There he is!"  
"Who?"  
"My old friend the manager," she replied, snapping the compact shut and stowing it back in her bag. "And he's got binoculars, sad little pervert that he is."   
"Oh my," the Doctor said. "He's hoping for a show, isn't he?"  
"Probably," she agreed, sighing. Her expression changed to one of determination. "Right," she said briskly, putting her hand on his arm and turning him to face her. "You're just going to have to follow my lead on this, I'm afraid." Before he could ask what she meant, she put her arms around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. He simply stood there, completely unresponsive as she kissed him with as much passion as she could muster under the circumstances. "You could at least make an effort to look like you're enjoying this!" she murmured against his mouth, and felt his arms go around her as if in reply. She opened her eyes and saw his were open wide and staring down at her in shock; it was all she could do not to break out laughing. "Close your eyes!" she said against his mouth. His eyes fluttered shut and something seemed to change in him.   
His body relaxed, and one hand moved from her waist to slide up the center of her back where it stayed, a gentle pressure between her shoulder blades. She felt the rhythm of his breathing change, and his lips parted to hers. _Oh my God, now we're_ really_ kissing!_ she thought. _ This is not good! _ Another part of her brain replied rather snarkily, _No, it's not good… it's_ fantastic_!_ Her eyes slid closed and she gave herself to the moment. Naturally, the Doctor was the one to pull away.  
"Is he gone?" he asked. Her first inclination was to ask _Who cares?_ and go back to what they'd been doing. Her second inclination was the one she decided to go with.  
"Do you see him?" she asked as he scanned the dunes, one hand shading his eyes against the setting sun.  
"No." He looked down at her, concerned. "What's wrong with your voice, Sarah Jane?"  
"Nothing!" She pulled away from him.   
"It sounds very peculiar," he persisted.  
"We've done our bit for giving the perverts of the world their cheap thrills," she said, not looking at him. "Come on, let's go back to the resort." She shoved her hands into the pockets of her wrap and began to trudge back up the beach. Not knowing what else to do, he followed.  
  
  
They had a couple of drinks in the lobby before retiring to their suite for the night.  
"I'll sleep on the sofa, of course," he offered. He was leaning against the bathroom doorframe, his arms folded across his chest.  
"Bad idea," she told him. She was standing at the sink, washing her face.  
"Oh?" he asked, his eyebrows going up.  
"You said so yourself," she said reasonably. "Anyone could be a spy. Remember? And that includes members of the Housekeeping Staff." She dabbed on some moisturizing lotion. "They'd be sure to report that we hadn't slept in the same bed."  
"How would they know?"  
"They see enough beds, don't they? They'd know."   
"You're probably right," he agreed, sighing.  
"Just don't hog the covers," she admonished with a smile, shaking a finger at him. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to change." She held up her nightgown for him to see, a long pink affair with short puffy sleeves and a very chaste high neckline threaded with a white ribbon tied in a bow at the front. It looked like something a child would wear… or a grandmother.  
"Ooo, very sexy," he deadpanned. He reached out and touched it. "Cotton… so it didn't come in flannel, eh?"  
"Out!" she told him firmly, shutting the door on him.  
When she came out of the bathroom he was lying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.  
"Sarah Jane – " he began.  
"Oh for Heaven's sake, Doctor," she interrupted. "You can at least take off your shoes!"   
"It occurs to me that we should be outside watching for lights in the sky," he told her.   
"I thought the little gray men come into the guests' rooms and take them away," she reminded him. He sat up.  
"All right, I'll go look for lights in the sky, and you can stay here waiting for little gray men!"  
"Oh no you don't!" she exclaimed immediately. "You're not leaving me alone here for them! Who knows who they are or what they want?"  
"True," he conceded, giving her a smile. "You sleep, Sarah Jane," he said, rising to his feet and patting her arm. "I'll sit by the window and watch for the lights."  
"But you – "  
"I'll be fine," he said reasonably. "I don't have to sleep for a few nights yet." She pulled the covers aside and slid into bed. "Sleep well, Sarah Jane," he said quietly, pulling the covers up to her chin and kissing her on the forehead.   
"Yes, Mother," she replied, laughing sleepily. As she drifted off to sleep, she heard him moving a chair to sit near the window. _I'm safe... he won't let them get me,_ she thought with muzzy happiness, and slept.  
  
  
Sarah Jane woke to sunlight streaming through the windows and the Doctor lying on his back beside her.  
"Good morning, Honey Buns!" he said cheerfully without opening his eyes. "Did you sleep well?"  
"Yes, fine thank you," she replied with a yawn. "_Honey Buns_," she repeated with a sigh. "It's going to be a long day, isn't it?"  
"Probably," he agreed. There was a knock at the door. "Stay there, I'll get it." She sat up in bed, clutching the covers to her chest as he went to answer the door. "Ah, good, good," he said cheerfully to someone in the hallway. He reappeared carrying a tray, and she smelled food and tea, hot and fragrant.  
"What's all this?" she asked, surprised.  
"Breakfast in bed for my darling wife," he said, setting the tray across her outstretched legs. "I ordered all your favorites." He sat down next to her on the bed.  
"Very good!" she said in the tone of a teacher praising a bright student. "This is exactly the sort of thing that people in love do for each other." He beamed happily. "You'll get this doting husband thing down in no time," she said, buttering her toast.  
"I've always been a quick study," he told her modestly.  
"Here," she said, handing him a cup of tea sweetened with saccharine sweetener, just the way he liked it; evidently artificial sweeteners tasted quite lovely to Gallifreyan taste buds. "So what's on our agenda today, darling husband?"   
"How does a tour of the town of Brighton sound?" She shrugged. "You really must try to summon up more enthusiasm, Sarah Jane. From what the men in the lounge told me last evening, most everyone's going on this tour and the wives are quite excited. It seems there's excellent shopping to be had in town."  
"Well then, I hope you've brought your wallet, my dear!"  
"Oh yes, I'd forgotten that one of your jobs as my wife is to spend my money!"  
"Got that right!" she agreed with a grin, handing him a piece of toast spread with raspberry jam. Suddenly, she sobered. "Really, I was only joking. I've got money – "  
"It's quite all right, Sarah Jane. I've never spent a single pound of the salary UNIT has paid me over the years… really, I'm rather embarrassingly well-off now!"  
"Ooo, really? In that case, maybe I'll stay married to you when all this is over!" she joked. He laughed. "Come on, Lazybones," she told him, finishing her tea and the last bite of her toast. "Time to get ready to act like tourists."  
"I've even got a camera to wear 'round my neck!" he told her proudly.  
"All right, just spare me the Hawaiian print shirt and matching shorts worn with sandals and socks, please!" He looked affronted.  
"I may be no fashion plate, but even I have my limits, Sarah Jane!"  
"And leave the scarf and coat in the closet for the rest of this trip," she continued. "You've got to try to look normal… well, as normal as is possible for you, anyway," she amended.  
"I will be the perfect picture of a normal humdrum human male," he told her sincerely.  
"I'd pay good money to see that!" She scooted out of bed. "I've got dibs on the shower!"  
"Conserve water," he said seriously. "Shower with a friend!" He gave her a toothy grin.  
"Only in your most fevered flights of imagination!" she retorted, shutting and locking the bathroom door behind her.  
"Is that any way to treat your new husband?" he called after her. "This is supposed to be our honeymoon, you know!" She opened the bathroom door and stuck her head out.  
"Have you lost your ability to distinguish fantasy from reality?"  
"There's a difference?" he wondered.  
"Should've known," she sighed, retreating back into the bathroom.  
"I'm insulted by that remark!" he told her through the closed door.  
"Good!"  
"Don't you need someone to scrub your back, Huggy Bear?" he asked solicitously.  
"Go _away_!"   
He grinned.  
  
  
The tour of Brighton turned out to be a huge bore.  
They had been herded like sheep into an open-air shuttle pulled by a small car rather like a golf cart and driven from shop to shop. A tour guide with a bullhorn had pointed out the interesting local sights to them as they'd flown past on their way to more shops. At each stop, the women had gotten off and gone inside, leaving the men standing outside milling about and making uncomfortable small talk.   
"Wait until you see what I bought!" Sarah Jane said. She'd just emerged from a gift shop specializing in postcards, souvenir magnets, t-shirts, and other tacky tourist-y items. She pulled something out of her shopping bag. "Here, for you!"  
"What is it?" he asked, frowning. It was a white Panama hat with a bright orange hatband. "It's perfect!" he told her. "Ha! I can always use another hat!" He jammed it on his head and beamed brightly.   
He had seen other husbands presented with gifts throughout the day, and after assessing the situation he decided that it would not be out of character for him to give her a quick peck on the lips. He leaned over and hastily did so.   
"Nice touch," she told him quietly, and he glowed under her approval. "Just don't start enjoying this _too_ much, all right?"  
"Having fun, you two?" one of the husbands asked.   
"We're having a marvelous time," the Doctor beamed, throwing an arm around his "wife's" shoulders and dragging her against him. "Aren't we, Snuggle Muffin?"  
"Marvelous," she agreed, smiling gamely.   
"I remember when Marge and I were first married," the man said wistfully. He gave the Doctor a significant look. "Things change, my lad!"  
"Do they?" the Time Lord asked, the perfect picture of wide-eyed innocence. "How so?" Sarah Jane gave him an elbow in the ribs.  
"You'll find out," the man said meaningfully. "Enjoy it while it lasts!" He walked off to join his wife, who had just come out of the gift shop.  
"While it lasts?" the Doctor repeated. "Why, it hasn't even begun yet!"  
"And it never will!" she told him firmly.  
"This is some honeymoon!" he complained.  
"Oh, poor Doctor," she said in a tone of mock sympathy. His arm was still wrapped around her shoulders, and she looked up at him, grinning. "You want some more kisses?" She puckered up and made smooching noises at him. He dropped his arm and hastily backed away, looking vaguely horrified. "I'm glad you find me so attractive, husband of mine!" He gave her a look and crammed his hands into his pockets. With a laugh, she took his arm and they headed back to the shuttle.  
  
  
It was mid-afternoon by the time they returned to the resort, and they decided to follow everyone else's lead and hit the beach. Sarah Jane changed back into her bikini, but was unable to persuade the Doctor to wear anything other than his trousers and white shirt.  
"This body looks silly in swimwear," he complained. "It's got knobby knees!"  
"Oh honestly, Doctor! No one's going to be looking at your knees!"   
After further argument (he could be quite persistent when he wanted his way), she gave in and allowed that the outfit he'd worn the previous night for their seaside stroll would probably be adequate. She threw some suntan lotion, a pair of sunglasses, and a marvelously trashy V.C. Andrews novel into her beach tote and declared herself ready to depart.  
After a bit of searching, they found themselves a suitable spot on the sand. The Doctor found a beach umbrella and pitched it next to their chosen spot while Sarah Jane spread out their beach towels beneath it. Now she sat on her towel under the umbrella, smoothing suntan lotion on her arms and upper chest while he busied himself with flipping through her novel.  
"What rubbish!" he exclaimed, tossing it aside. "What kind of woman would lock her children in an attic?"  
"Read the whole thing, have you?" she asked.  
"Of course!"  
"Well, I haven't, so don't tell me the ending!" She handed him the bottle of suntan lotion. "Here. Do my back, would you?"  
"Another husbandly duty?" he asked.   
"Yes, and It's an important one!" She heard him squirt suntan lotion into his hand, and felt a cold touch on her back. "Ahh! Your hands are freezing!" she exclaimed.   
"My body temperature's a bit lower than yours," he apologized.  
"Oh, that's right," she remembered. She closed her eyes and relaxed under his touch. The warmth of the mid-day sun and the refreshing cool of his hands created quite a pleasant contrast on her skin… it was an interesting feeling, and she sighed, leaning back into his massaging hands.   
The Doctor sat behind Sarah Jane, applying suntan lotion to her back with long, even, meticulous strokes. The hot hot sun of her hot hot planet beat down on him as he carefully massaged the coconut-scented goop into her hot hot skin…   
For some peculiar reason, his body suddenly decided that it had received the appropriate sensory cues for dumping large quantities of certain hormones into his bloodstream, and he could feel his senses heightening in response. He tried to get his metabolism back under control, but found to his surprise that certain centers of his brain just weren't responding. Perhaps they'd decided to bugger off on a beach holiday of their own; he hoped they were having a less uncomfortable time of it than he was.  
Thanks to the hormones singing in his veins, he could smell not only the coconut scent of the suntan lotion, but the individual chemicals that made up the artificial smell. The salty scent of the ocean seemed acrid, and he felt his stomach clench. And Sarah Jane… her scent was light and delicate and feminine, making him think of little purple flowers growing in a sunny field.  
"Doctor, is something the matter?" he heard her ask from very far away, and he determinedly wrenched his endocrine system back under control.  
"Of course not," he finally said, feeling the hormones being metabolized away as he spoke. "Why do you ask?"  
"Um, well…" He glanced down at his hands, which were parked on either side of her waist, with his long fingers splayed out over her abdomen.  
"I'm sorry, I was distracted," he muttered.  
"Don't worry, you're quite in character!" she told him. She turned to face him. "We don't know who might be watching us, after all," she said softly, reaching up to touch his cheek. He nodded in wide-eyed silence. The hand on his cheek slipped around to the back of his neck, and she pulled him close. "Anyone could be a spy," she whispered.  
"Oh dear, what'll we do?" he asked in an unsteady voice. The hormones were suddenly back, and this time they'd brought all their friends. She actually saw his eyes dilate while she watched, his pupils growing huge despite the brilliant mid-day sun.  
"Well," she said softly, and kissed him. Unlike the previous night, he came up with the correct response right away. His arms went around her and he pulled her close, his hands sliding up her well-lubricated back.   
_Thunk!_ An inflatable beach ball connected solidly with the back of Sarah Jane's head, and she started in surprise. She pulled away from the Doctor and gave a shaky little laugh.  
"Sorry, Miss," a deeply suntanned little boy said contritely. "Didn't mean to hit you with our ball."  
"That's… that's quite all right," she told him. She watched the child lope back to his friends with his toy in hand, and then turned back to look at the Doctor. He was sitting cross-legged on his beach towel, staring out to sea. "See anything interesting out there?" she asked after a moment. He shook his head. "All right," she said with a sigh, and picked up her novel. The moment had been lost, and he obviously wasn't up for trying to find it again. She flopped down on her stomach and began to read, forcing herself to concentrate on her book rather than her confusing thoughts while the Doctor continued to stare silently at the ocean.  
  
  
CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 3, "Theta, Theta, Pumpkin Pie!"  
  
  



	3. Theta, Theta, Pumpkin Pie!

  
  
  
"The Honeymooners"  
  
  
Chapter 3  
"Theta, Theta, Pumpkin Pie!"  
  
  
Dinner that evening was a particularly awkward affair, filled with lots of conversational false starts, abrupt stops, and uncomfortable silences. When at one point she reached across the table to take his hand, she wondered if he allowed the gesture because he enjoyed the contact or if he was just going along with their married couple charade. The uncertainty made her remove her hand as soon as the waiter had departed with their empty dessert plates. As they rose to leave, the Doctor stopped her with a hand on her arm.  
"Look," he whispered into her ear. He was standing behind her, and he gently moved her so that she would see what had attracted his attention. "It's our old friend the manager."  
"And he's got his binoculars again," she whispered back without turning around. They watched him exit the dining room, heading into the lobby. "I wonder what he's doing."  
"Mmm. Shall we go and see?" he asked. She nodded. When they entered the lobby, they saw him leaving the building through the doors leading to the beach. "Care for another seaside stroll, my little Kumquat?"  
"And they say romance is dead," she muttered, taking the arm he offered. They followed the manager up the beach, keeping far enough behind that they wouldn't create suspicion were he to turn and see them. After awhile, he stopped walking and put the binoculars to his eyes, staring out to sea.  
"What's he looking for?" the Doctor asked rhetorically, shielding his eyes against the setting sun and scanning the horizon.   
"Look at that bird," Sarah Jane said suddenly, pointing. "It looks like a black seagull! Seagulls don't come in black, do they?"  
"I'm not sure," he replied. "I never was much for bird-watching."  
"Doctor!" she suddenly exclaimed, grabbing his arm. "Don't look, but he's watching us!" He turned to look. "Don't look!" She sighed. "Here we go again," she said ruefully, putting her arms around his neck.   
"Sarah Jane, this isn't a very good idea," he began.  
"Do you have a better one?" He was silent. "Didn't think so." With a sigh of resignation, he pulled her into his arms and bent his head to kiss her. "I'm sorry this is such a huge chore for you," she said against his mouth.  
"It's not a chore," he replied in kind.   
"Well, you obviously don't like it!" she continued in the same manner.  
"The problem is that I like it _too_ much!"   
_"What??"_  
"This is a ridiculous way to have a conversation!" he exclaimed, pulling away but keeping his arms around her. "Look, you don't want to get involved with me this way."  
"Says who?" she asked, suddenly sounding angry. "I'm an adult, you know. Sure, I may not be seven hundred something years old, but I _am_ old enough to make my own decisions about who I want to have relationships with!"  
"Of course you are," he agreed. "But they should be _informed_ decisions, don't you think?"  
"I…" She looked up into his eyes, which had become a dark blue in the fading light of the setting sun. "I'm not… What do you mean?"  
"I'm not like you, Sarah Jane," he said with a sigh. One of his hands came up from her waist to brush a lock of dark hair out of her face. When he spoke again, his voice was wistful. "I wish I were, but I'm not. Once, a very long time ago, I thought I could be… but I was wrong."  
"I'm sorry, I don't understand – "  
"What a touching little scene," a new voice said mockingly. They turned to see a woman dressed in a white linen shirt and matching pants standing a few feet away, her arms folded across her chest. Dark glasses hid her eyes, and a large straw hat covered her hair, though a few dark strands had slipped free around her face. She looked at the Doctor. "You'll only make her more determined, you know. There's nothing these women love more than a challenge, and deep down inside they all have the same foolish belief that they can change a man into something he's not."  
"Excuse me, this is a private conversation!" Sarah Jane snapped.  
"Oh, she'll deny it, of course," the woman continued as though Sarah Jane hadn't even spoken. "They all do. But they like to think that they will be the one to make the difference, to do what no other woman could." She gave Sarah Jane a brief malicious smile before returning her attention to the Doctor. "They all like to believe that their love alone can transform a man into what they want him to be. Rather touching in a primitive sort of way, isn't it?"  
"Have we met?" the Doctor asked rather stiffly, releasing his hold on Sarah Jane and crossing his arms over his chest, unconsciously mimicking the stranger's posture. The woman laughed.  
"You don't remember me?" Her lips turned down in mock disappointment. "Theta, I'm hurt!" He looked startled at her use of his Time Lord designation, and she smiled. "Or do you prefer – " She said a long string of musical syllables that made him frown.  
"Actually, I prefer 'Doctor' if it's all the same to you!" he said coldly.  
"Oh dear," she said innocently. She glanced at Sarah Jane. "Hit a nerve, didn't I?" she asked in a conspiratorial tone.  
"It's rather hard for me to say, since I haven't a clue what the two of you are talking about!" Sarah Jane replied with a shrug.   
"No… you wouldn't, would you?"  
"Enough of this," the Doctor snapped impatiently. "You obviously know me – "  
"And _you_ know _me_, Theta… oh, I'm sorry. _Doctor_." She smiled again. "Think carefully." He did, and his eyes widened.  
"Good Lord!" he exclaimed. It can't be – " He only got through a couple of lilting syllables before the stranger cut him off.  
"And I prefer to be known as 'the Rani' now, Doctor," she told him firmly.  
"The Rani?" he repeated dubiously. "The Rani? What kind of ridiculous name is that?"  
"Wait a minute, Doctor. You _know_ her?" Sarah Jane asked.  
"Oh yes… but I haven't seen her since graduation."  
"Graduation?"   
"We were at the Academy together," he explained. "Why, we even have the same birthday!"  
"Only _one_ of us has a _birth_day, Doctor," the Rani reminded him nastily.  
"Yes," he agreed coldly. "I stand corrected."  
"Look, what's this all about?" Sarah Jane demanded.  
"I suspect we've found the person behind the abductions at the resort," he told her. The Rani's dark eyebrows went up.  
"Very good, Doctor. You always were quite intelligent, even if you never really applied yourself in school."  
"Look where all your studying got you," he replied with a shrug. "Never finished your doctorate, did you?"  
"It must've been a really bad breakup," Sarah Jane suddenly said in a musing tone.  
"What?" the Doctor and the Rani asked simultaneously. Sarah Jane shrugged.  
"Well, the way you two argue, it's obvious that you used to – "  
"You silly child!" the Rani said, laughing what might have actually been a genuine laugh. "He hasn't told you _anything_ about Gallifrey, has he? Let me fill you in on a few facts – "  
"Never mind about that," the Doctor interrupted. "I'd be much more interested in seeing what you're doing with all these humans you're abducting."  
"Why do you care?" she asked, giving him an appraising look.   
"You know me," he said with a shrug. "Always the scientist."  
"If you're thinking of reporting me to the High Council for unethical experimentation on sentient beings – " she began.  
"The thought never entered my mind," he said, sounding unconcerned. "If the Council doesn't care, why should I? And anyway," he continued with a grin. "I'm on holiday!" He wound an arm around Sarah Jane's waist and pulled her against him, waggling his eyebrows suggestively at the Time Lady.  
"The unfortunate combination of Gallifreyan hormones and the sex drive of a human male make for a terribly undignified end result," the Rani said, sounding disgusted.  
"Don't they?" he agreed. "But you must admit, I have an awful lot of fun!"  
"Oh, is that what you call it?" the Rani asked. "I call it – "  
"Yes, yes, I've heard it all before," he told her impatiently.   
"What are you two talking about?" Sarah Jane asked, completely baffled by this conversation.  
"Oh, how little you know him, my dear!" the Rani said with a nasty smile. She glanced at the Doctor. "Theta, Theta, pumpkin pie!" she chanted. "Kissed the girls and made them cry!"  
"Very funny," he said quietly.   
"It was Georgie Porgie _Pudding_ Pie, actually," Sarah Jane corrected.   
"What?" the Rani asked, confused.  
"He's the one who kissed the girls and made them cry. You've confused him with Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, I think," she told the Rani helpfully. She gave the Doctor a significant look. "He had a wife but couldn't keep her."  
"Ah, but he put her in a pumpkin shell," he reminded Sarah Jane in a very serious tone. "And there he kept her very well!"  
"I defer to your superior knowledge," the Rani told them sardonically.  
"About your experiments – " the Doctor prompted impatiently.  
"Oh yes, you wanted to see what I've been doing while you've been busy enjoying yourself." She motioned for them to follow. "Come along. I wouldn't want to keep you from your… _holiday pursuits_ any longer than necessary."  
"How very kind of you," he said in a low voice. As they followed the Rani up the beach, he spoke very quietly to Sarah Jane. "Now it's _your_ turn to follow _my_ lead. You heard the sort of notions she has about us. I intend to play off them. No matter what I say or do, go along with it, all right?"   
"All right, Doctor," she whispered with a nod. "But I draw the line at having sex with you in front of her!" she added hastily.  
"I don't think that will be necessary," he said dryly.  
"You don't _think_? So there's some question in your mind, is there?"  
"I doubt it will come to that."  
"Is that a pun?" she asked, astonished. "If it is, you should be shot!" He grinned down at her, giving her waist a friendly squeeze.  
"All right, lovebirds," the Rani said ironically, pulling a TARDIS key out of her pocket. They had reached the rocky outcropping underneath the pier. She deftly stuck the key into one of the larger rocks, unlocking its hidden door and motioning them inside.  
"This is quite some set-up," Sarah Jane said, gazing around at the dark interior of the Rani's console room with its subdued pink lighting and gyroscopic Time Rotor. "I think if I had a TARDIS, it would look like this."  
"Really?" the Rani asked, surprising Sarah Jane by giving her a genuine smile.  
"Minus the nasty pickled things in jars," she amended.  
"Naturally," the Rani agreed. "You humans have very little interest in intellectual pursuits."  
"Hang on a minute!" Sarah Jane flared. "We humans have – "  
"Now, now, my little Lamb Chop," the Doctor interrupted. "You know we Time Lords are much more advanced than you humans can ever hope to be." She opened her mouth to say something, and then remembered what he'd said about going along with him and closed it again.   
"Yes, Doctor," she said instead, lowering her eyes meekly.  
"Come along," the Rani said. She pushed open the interior door and led them into the corridor. "I'm planning to take over a planet populated with primitives biologically similar to humans."  
"Why would you want to do that?" the Doctor asked curiously.  
"An experiment," she replied. "I want to see if I can guide them down a more satisfactory evolutionary path."  
"Rather naughty of you, isn't it? You know we're not supposed to interfere."  
"I've been banished from Gallifrey," she reminded him with a shrug. "So why should I care about following rules that only get in my way?"  
"Next I suppose you'll say that the ends justify the means," Sarah Jane put in. The Rani turned, looking puzzled.  
"Of course they do," she said, as though it were obvious. "All that matters is the final outcome."  
"And you need humans for this why?" the Doctor asked. They had reached a door, and the Rani pushed it open.  
"I need their brain chemicals," she replied, ushering them inside.  
"It's the manager!" Sarah Jane gasped. He was strapped into a chair. There was some kind of elaborate apparatus attached to his head. His eyes were closed, and his skin was very pale. "You've killed him!"  
"Nonsense," the Rani said. "I've merely made him a vegetable." She grinned wickedly. "Though I doubt anyone will notice. With humans, it's a bit difficult to tell the healthy from the vegetables!"  
"Why?" the Doctor asked quietly.  
"He failed me," she replied with a shrug. "He was rather inept and really no good for procuring subjects. He couldn't have been less subtle if he'd tried, standing on the beach with his binoculars looking for my signal. I don't know why I bothered with him in the first place."  
"Really?" the Doctor wondered. "I know you… you never do anything without a reason."   
"True," she admitted, smiling. "I needed someone to slip drugs into my intended subjects' food or drink. The drugs forced their brains to produce more of the chemicals I needed."  
"With hallucinations as a side effect, I'm guessing," the Doctor added.  
"Yes. I'm not sure why they thought that they were being kidnapped by little gray men." She looked thoughtful. "So, are you going to call home and turn me in?" He seemed to consider it carefully for a moment.  
"No, I don't think I can be bothered," he said finally. "The High Council are all such bores, and I've got something _much_ more interesting to occupy my time at the moment!" He put his arms around Sarah Jane's waist from behind and bent his head to kiss her neck.  
"All right," the Rani said briskly, moving towards the door. "As wonderful as it's been to see you again, Theta, it's time for me to be on my way."  
"Where are you going?" Sarah Jane asked as they followed her back to the console room.  
"Somewhere else in Earth's history, probably," the Rani said. "I still need to collect more brain chemicals for my experiment."  
"And what about the people who've already donated?" the human woman pressed.  
"They'll be fine in time… not that it matters."  
"Of course not," Sarah Jane said bitterly. The Doctor gave her hand a warning squeeze. The Rani began setting coordinates, and the Doctor leaned against the console, looking interested.  
"Is that – " he began, pointing at a component.   
"Don't touch!" she said irritably, slapping his hand away. He looked hurt.  
"I just wanted to see – "  
"Well, don't! You have your own TARDIS to break!" With a sigh, he put his hands in his pockets. The Rani hit the door switch. "Time to go," she told her guests.  
"Thank you for a charming evening," Sarah Jane told the Rani sarcastically.   
"Don't mention it… to anybody!" the Rani replied.  
"Afraid it'll get back to the High Council?"  
"Not – " She broke off, catching sight of the Doctor hovering over her control console. "I told you not to touch that!"   
"Sorry!" he said, guiltily withdrawing his hand. They departed under the Rani's watchful glare.  
"Well, that was interesting," the Doctor said as the Rani's TARDIS dematerialized.  
"I can't believe you're not going to report her to Gallifrey!" Sarah Jane said.  
"They wouldn't do anything anyway, so what's the point? Besides," he said with a grin. "She'll have a rather difficult time doing anything but hover in the Time Vortex for the next several centuries… a sonic screwdriver jammed in the temporal capacitor is no good for the navigational circuitry!"  
"Oh dear," Sarah Jane said with mock sympathy. "Whatever will she do?"  
"Fix it," he said. "Eventually. Once she figures out what's wrong. And that may take her a great deal of time!" She laughed, and he put an arm around her shoulders. "Shall we go back to the resort, Sugar Bumps?"  
"Yes. I think you and I need to have a talk."  
"Oh dear." He sounded worried. "Are we going to have our first quarrel?"  
"That depends."  
"On what?"  
"On whether you're ready to be straight with me."  
"Straight? Of course I'm straight!" He frowned. "I wouldn't have married you if I weren't!"  
"Very funny, Doctor. You know what I mean."  
He did. With a sigh of resignation, he followed her back to the resort.  
  
  
CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 4, "If You Like Piña Coladas"  
  
  
  



	4. If You Like Pina Coladas

  
  
  
"The Honeymooners"  
  
  
Chapter 4  
"If You Like Piña Coladas"  
  
ADDITIONAL DISCLAIMER: "Escape (The Piña Colada Song)" belongs to Rupert Holmes.  
  
  
After going back to their suite to change, they went out to sit on the resort's patio. Lights were strung from trees, giving the outdoor bar a festive air. There was a cool breeze and a lovely view of the ocean in the darkness. Far in the distance, they could see the lights of distant ships.  
The waiter set two frosty glasses of thick white liquid garnished with pineapple wedges in front of them. Sarah Jane picked up her drink and toasted the Doctor with it before drinking deeply. Their words on the beach still hung between them, but neither seemed willing to address the subject just yet.  
"Don't you think we should head back, Sarah Jane?"   
"Why?" she asked with a shrug. "UNIT's paid for the whole week, and they won't get any money back if we check out early. Besides, with all the running around we do, I could use a nice relaxing holiday!"  
"All right," he agreed. He pulled the pineapple garnish off of the rim of his glass and gnawed on it thoughtfully. "Shall we do the tour of the Royal Pavilion tomorrow?"  
"Why not?" she said with a smile.  
"And I heard there's a fantastic Cajun restaurant over on – "  
"Cajun?" she asked, laughing. "In Brighton? All right. I'm up for anything you can throw at me." His eyebrows went up.  
"Really?" he asked, his voice suddenly changing. She hesitated for a moment, and then reached across the table and took his hand. He looked down at their joined hands. "You know, we don't have to keep up the married couple charade," he told her seriously.  
"I'm not," she said quietly.  
"Ohhh... well… in that case, I think I should – "  
"You said I should make an informed decision," she reminded him. "Well, the Rani's informed me of a great deal, hasn't she?"  
"Not everything," he said with a sigh, sipping his drink. "I told you, I'm not like you, Sarah Jane."  
"Oh here we go again," she said, sounding bored. "The old 'I'm A Time Lord' speech."  
"Yes!" he suddenly exclaimed. "And you don't understand what it means, not really."  
"So explain it," she said simply. He was quiet for a long while.  
"We don't love, Sarah Jane," he finally said. "Not the way you humans do… men and women… romantically."   
"Really?" she asked. She leaned forward, fascinated. "So where do – "  
"Baby Time Lords come from," he finished for her. "Yes, I remember you asked." He took another sip of his drink, and then leaned back in his chair. "A long time ago – "  
"In a galaxy far, far away," Sarah Jane could not resist adding. He gave her a look.  
"Are you going to let me talk?"  
"Sorry," she said contritely. He finished off his drink, motioned the waiter for another round, and began talking. He talked through another piña colada and part of a third before he was finished. And at the end, Sarah Jane was wide-eyed, dumbfounded, and more than a little drunk.  
"So let me get this straight," she said when he'd finished. "Time Lords are woven like rugs? So you don't have a mother and a father, you have a loom?"  
"Oh dear," he sighed, and motioned to the waiter again. Sarah Jane did not have a Gallifreyan metabolism and wisely declined another drink. The Doctor had two more while he told her about the Time Lord who had defied custom and tradition and disgraced his house and his family name all for the human woman who loved him and who had borne him a son, his pride and joy. "But it just didn't work between them. She loved my father with all her heart. But my father didn't… he _couldn't_ love her, not the way she wanted. And so she got someone to take her back to Earth. She left a note, explaining. And neither of us ever saw her again."  
"That's terrible! Leaving you must've nearly killed her!"  
"She was a very practical woman. She did what she had to do," he said with a shrug. "She knew I was better off among my father's people." He sipped his drink. "And I very nearly duplicated his mistake."  
"You – "  
"When my first body was still quite young, I met a human woman and began a physical relationship with her. She broke it off after a couple of months."  
"Were you sad?"  
"I don't know," he admitted candidly. "I cared deeply for her… still do. But not the way she needed me to care. I can feel affection for another person. And I can feel sexual desire. But the blend of the two that humans know as romantic love is foreign to me."  
"And I would need to decide if I could handle getting involved with someone who can't love me back the way I'm expecting," she said, summing it all up. "An informed decision."   
"Exactly."  
"You know, Doctor," she began, and gave a sad little laugh. "I was already half in love with you before we set out on this trip."  
"Yes, I know."  
"Do you… is there…" Her eyes filled with tears. She reached across the table and grabbed his drink, taking several quick gulps as though for courage. She took a deep breath. "Do you feel – "  
"You want to know if I feel anything at all for you, don't you?" he asked gently. She nodded. He reached over and took her hand. "I feel deep affection for you. And today for the first time, I felt sexual desire for you. So yes… as much as I am capable, I do feel for you, Sarah Jane. But the affection… the sexual desire… they don't overlap as they do in humans. It's not quite the same."  
"Oh!" she sighed, her eyes filling with fresh tears.  
"I've made you cry," he said, dismayed.   
"No," she said, laughing through her tears. She used her free hand to wipe her cheeks. "It's all right. I'm crying because I'm happy!"   
"Happy?"  
"I thought you were going to say that you thought of me as a friend… like you do Harry or the Brigadier!"  
"My feelings for you are quite a bit different," he assured her dryly. She shook her head, smiling. She picked up his glass and finished his drink.  
"I never knew," she suddenly sang.  
"You never knew what?" he asked, puzzled.  
"That you like piña coladas," she sang, giggling. "And getting caught in the rain." Now she was laughing so hard that he could barely make out her words. "And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne!"  
"Welllll…" he drawled, grinning as he added his voice to hers. "If you like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape, you're the lady I've looked for – come with me and escape!" A few of the other guests seated on the patio applauded their spontaneous performance, and the Doctor stood up and bowed comically. "Yes, thank you very much," he called out cheerfully. He picked up his empty glass and saluted them with it. "Anyone who applauds my singing must be far drunker than I am!" he exclaimed, though of course with his metabolism, he wasn't a bit drunk. Sarah Jane stood up.  
"And anyone who's far drunker than _I_ am should probably go right to bed!" she added, getting a laugh from their audience.  
"Are you ready to go right to bed, my little Necco Wafer?" he asked.  
"I most certainly am!" she said with feeling. She took his arm and together they exited the patio to the sound of more applause.  
"Always leave them wanting more, that's my motto!" the Doctor told her.   
"Oh really?" she asked, her eyebrows going up. "I think I'd better not say what I'm thinking!" He laughed.  
  
  
The Doctor was sitting on the edge of the bed when Sarah Jane emerged from the bathroom in her pink nightgown.  
"It's the only one I brought," she said apologetically, smoothing down the soft material with one hand. "I thought we were only going to _pretend_ to be the honeymooners!" He grinned.  
"Pow! Straight to the moon, Alice!" he said in a fairly credible American accent, slamming his fist into his open palm. She laughed.  
"I suppose that means Harry's Ed Norton," she said thoughtfully. "Or maybe the Brigadier…" She walked over the bed and put her hands on his shoulders, bending her head close to his. "What do you think?" she whispered in his ear.  
"Haminahaminahamina!" he stammered, still in character as Ralph Kramden.   
"Oh you!" she said, laughing. She gave his shoulder a friendly shove. He surprised her by grabbing her around the waist and falling backwards onto the bed, dragging her down on top of him. She lay with her face against his shoulder, giggling. Some of her soft dark hair had fallen across his face, releasing a scent like fresh apples.  
"Lovely," he said close to her ear. He reached up to stroke her hair. "Good enough to eat." This statement sent her into another fit of giggles. After a moment, she planted her hands on either side of his body, hoisting herself up a bit to look down at him.  
"This isn't very comfortable, you know," she told him. "My legs are hanging off the edge!" He put his arms around her and sat up, placing her gently back on her feet. He repositioned himself on the bed and patted the space beside him.  
"Plenty of room," he told her, giving her one of his megawatt grins.  
"You'd think they'd put a tiny little bed in the Honeymoon Suite," she mused, lying down beside him.  
"Why's that?" he wondered. He was lying on his back, looking up at the ceiling.  
"Well," she said, assuming the same position, "newlyweds probably sleep all snuggled together. It's the ones who've been married awhile who'd appreciate a giant bed like this one! Look, there's room for another person in between us!" Suddenly he was on his side, facing her, quite close.   
"Now there's not," he said in a very low voice.   
"Yes, I see," she agreed, rolling onto her side to face him. They lay together that way for a few moments, studying each other intently. After a bit, she reached up to touch his hair. It was softer than she thought it would be, and the texture was different from human hair in a way she couldn't really pinpoint. "I've wanted to do this since the first time I saw you after you regenerated," she admitted as she gently combed her fingers through his curls. "Such lovely hair." He put an arm around her waist and drew her close. Her hand slipped to the back of his head, her fingers tangling in the soft curls there.  
"Sarah Jane," he said a bit unsteadily, and kissed her. She kept her eyes open, watching his face. She had secretly dreamed of this more times than she cared to admit, and was now almost unable to believe that it was actually happening. When he finally opened his eyes, they were luminous and dilated, with only the faintest sliver of blue rimming his pupils. _Oh my,_ she thought. _When these people finally_ do _get going, they don't mess about!_ With his arm still around her waist he rolled onto his back, pulling her over to lie on top of him. A thought suddenly occurred to her.  
"You've told me your history," she whispered in his ear. "It's only fair that you should know mine. There was a boy when I was at college – "  
"I don't care," he said, running a hand through her hair.   
"It's just that I didn't know what you'd think… I mean, I'm not a virgin – "  
"I didn't expect you to be, Sarah Jane."  
"Oh." She didn't know what else to say to that, whether or not she should be insulted. She crossed her arms on his chest, pushing herself up to stare at him. "I hope you don't think – "  
"I'm trying very hard _not_ to think at the moment," he said, still stroking her hair. "If you've slept with one man or one hundred, it makes no difference. It's in the past. What matters is right now." She nodded.  
"All right." She watched the grin spread across his face, slow and lazy. He was not, she decided, a man that any woman would consider handsome in the way such things were conventionally measured. He was not Paul Newman by any stretch of the imagination, nor was he one of those men whose features only just escaped handsomeness by one tiny flaw; no, the Doctor's features were an odd jumble of too many teeth, a too big nose, and enormous eyes that threatened to pop out of his head. This unfortunate combination was crowned with a mop of unruly brown curls that, had they been bright orange, would have made a perfect wig for Bozo the Clown. But somehow, on him, it all just seemed to work.  
"What are you thinking about?" he suddenly asked. "I hope you're not worrying that I think you're a woman of loose virtue."  
"Are you?" she asked seriously.  
"No." He grinned again. "But I was rather hoping you were!" Her mouth fell open in an expression of scandalized shock.  
"You're _terrible_!" she exclaimed, laughing.  
"So I've been told." He pulled her down for another kiss.   
"Oh my," she whispered, and kissed his cheek, his ear, his neck. His skin was cold under her lips, and when she opened her mouth where his neck met his shoulder, she found that his skin did not taste of salt and musk as her previous forays into carnal pursuits had led her to expect. Beneath her lips she could feel the double pulse of his hearts in the major artery of his neck, strong and very rapid. _I've done that to him,_ she thought with a smile, and continued kissing her way down to his throat, under his chin, lower. She suddenly sat up, straddling his abdomen. He made a sound she couldn't identify as she began unbuttoning his white shirt, slowly, button by button, deliberately drawing out the process. His cheeks were flushed, his eyes were half closed, his lips slightly parted. _He doesn't look much like the distant, high and mighty Time Lord now!_ she thought, and felt a thrill at the realization that _she_ had evoked this change in him, that it was _her_ body and _her_ mouth that had done this to him.  
"Brought me down out of the clouds, haven't you? Pulled me down out of my ivory tower!"  
"I – " she began. She both felt and heard him chuckle.  
"You forgot I've got a bit of telepathic ability, didn't you? And you're transmitting at full volume… arousal tends to do that to a person, you know."  
"Oh dear," she said, wondering what other images she's inadvertently sent him. She took a breath. "It doesn't seem fair that it only works one way!"  
"Life isn't fair, is it?" he replied. "It's certainly not fair that you've got my shirt half off me while you sit there fully clothed!"  
"Life isn't fair, is it?" she mimicked wickedly, bending to kiss him. She moved down his body, kissing his neck, his chest, his stomach. As she went, he kept his grip on her nightgown so that it rode up around her waist.  
"Ah ha!" he said triumphantly, pulling it off over her head.  
"Ooo, you're going to get it for that!" she promised.  
"I certainly hope so!" he agreed. "After all, this is supposed to our honeymoon!"  
"Well, in that case – " Her fingers worked nimbly at the front of his trousers. "Oh my goodness, look what I've found!" she exclaimed in a tone of very poorly feigned surprise. His reply was incoherent. "You know, I'd always wondered if the Time Lords circumcised their sons," she said in a thoughtful tone as she continued her explorations.  
"Always glad to contribute to the intellectual advancement of another species," he managed.  
"I'll just bet!" She sat up and pulled his trousers and underwear off in one smooth motion. "Ha, how do you like that?"  
"Oh, I like it!" He shifted slightly, ridding himself of his shirt.  
"I guess that just leaves me," she said. She stood up and stepped out of her underwear, blushing when she realized that he had turned his head to watch her.  
"Hmm,_ very_ nice," he said in a musing tone, making her blush even more. "Are you planning to come to bed soon, my little Honeypot?"  
  
  
Later, she lay next to him in the darkness, staring up at the ceiling and listening to the even rhythm of his breathing. As she finally drifted off to sleep, he turned on his side and put an arm around her, and she unconsciously moved her left thumb to touch the gold ring that still circled the third finger of that hand.  
  
  
CONCLUDED IN "Epilogue: Curse of the Rani"  
  
  



	5. Epilogue: Curse of the Rani

  
  
  
"The Honeymooners"  
  
  
Epilogue: "Curse of the Rani"  
  
  
Sarah Jane stood on the quiet street, staring in numb shock at the place that the TARDIS had occupied only seconds ago. Her threat to leave hadn't been serious; it had been more like a cry for attention. _The type of attention that he doesn't know how to give,_ she reminded herself bitterly. Most men she'd known – _human_ men – would have held her, comforted her after her ordeal with Eldrad. Not the Doctor. He'd simply gotten to work fixing (or rather _trying_ to fix) his precious TARDIS!   
And so she'd threatened to leave, even packed her bags to make the ploy more convincing. Was it manipulative? You bet. But it seemed to her the only way to get a reaction out of him. And she'd gotten one, all right… just not the one she'd expected, certainly not the one she'd wanted.  
"I've had the call to Gallifrey," he'd told her. "I can't take you with me, Sarah. You've got to go home." And almost before she'd known what was happening, he'd bundled her out of the TARDIS and taken off without her. The Rani's words to him on the beach at Brighton suddenly came back to her.  
_ "There's nothing these women love more than a challenge, and deep down inside they all have the same foolish belief that they can change a man into something he's not. They all like to believe that their love alone can transform a man into what they want him to be." _  
Sarah Jane had tried to tell herself that she wasn't like that, that she loved the Doctor for who he was and accepted that he didn't, _couldn't_ return her love, at least not in the same way.   
But just as the Rani had said, deep down inside she thought she might be the one to change him, the one to touch his human side, to wake those emotions that she just _knew_ had to be there… it seemed inconceivable to her that someone who seemed so much like her could be so very different, devoid of the ability to feel romantic love.   
She understood that he had to return to Gallifrey, had to obey the call home, but she just couldn't fathom why he couldn't have taken her with him. His father had taken his mother to Gallifrey, hadn't he? All right, maybe that hadn't exactly worked out, but the point was that he'd done it.   
But the Doctor hadn't chosen to follow in his father's footsteps, not even for a visit that would no doubt be as brief as he could possibly make it. No, he'd dumped her off like so much garbage… and that made her wonder, was he ashamed of his involvement with her? Afraid of what the rest of his people would say about it? That thought brought her up short. _But he should love me enough to… damn it! He doesn't love me. He_ can't _love me. The Rani was right all along… right about_ both _of us._   
Damn her.  
Sarah Jane did the only thing she could do under the circumstances. She picked up her suitcase and set off to catch the bus home. Naturally, it began to rain.  
She had stood in the rain for ten minutes when the bus finally arrived. The doors opened with a pneumatic hiss and Sarah Jane stepped on board. The air inside was uncomfortably hot, and the drying clothes of the passengers made it feel damp and steamy. She paid her fare, grabbed her suitcase and headed up the aisle, looking for a seat on the packed bus. She had just resigned herself to standing for the duration of her trip when she saw a man motioning at her. She tripped her way up the aisle and plopped down in the vacant seat beside him.  
"Oh thanks so much!" she exclaimed gratefully.   
"Long trip?" the man asked, his blue eyes twinkling merrily.  
"You've no idea!"  
"Oh, I bet I do, Sarah Jane!"  
"Um, do I know you?"   
The stranger in the green velvet frock coat smiled.  
  
  
  
FINIS.  
  
  



End file.
